Course Syllabus

This course is for my religion, Jakeism. Here is our Holy Book, the Jible. It can also be read on it's Announcements page.

In the year 0, our lord and savior, the Lord Jake descended on this Earth. He brought with him 4 gifts for humanity. One was knowledge... of how great he was. The second was faith... in him. The third was food... for thought. The fourth was greed. It may seem odd that he brought greed to humans, but honestly being a god is a lot funnier when you can watch your creations run around killing each other over temporary issues.

The only problem was that nobody wanted to worship him. He sat alone for many nights. However, one day, a single human stumbled upon him. This was Christiman. He decided that Lord Jake was the god he wanted to worship. Christiman built Jake shrines, spread the religion, and bought hamburgers for him. After a while, Christiman had converted the whole world to Jakeism. Lord Jake was so thankful, he made Christiman a High Priest of Jakeism. Lord Christiman was the closest a human had ever gotten to godhood.

After a while, it became clear that people were slowly being taken over by another religion, Christianity. Lord Jake accepted other religions, UNLIKE SOME PEOPLE. However, he did not like losing followers to them. So he called Lord Christiman to his residence in the sky. "Lord Christiman. I have summoned you here for one reason. Have you heard of the spread of Christianity?" he asked. Christiman replied that he had. "Good. I want to you to travel around the world regaining our followers. I shall appoint a Low Priest to help you on your journey," Lord Jake told him. After a long and tedious process, a man named Simian was appointed to Low Priest of Jakeism. Lord Simian and Lord Christiman set off on their journey immediately. And so begins the Chronicles of Jakeism.

 

THE CHRONICLES OF JAKEISM

Lord Christiman and Lord Simian left in the year 900. They first traveled to America, where the spread of Christianity was the highest. They knocked on door after door and used their magical powers of persuasion to convert Christians to Jakeists. After a while, half of America had been converted back. The two lords only faced one more challenge. They needed to convert the other half. Long, boring story short, they completed the task a year later. It was off to England with them.

In England, things were harder. Sometimes it took two trips to convert people. Sometimes it took eight. It took them 4 years to convert England, as opposed to America's 2. England wasn't as badly converted, but they were more hardened. Then it came time to travel to Asia. Even more religions than Christianity had taken over Asia. It looked like they were in for the long haul. After eight years, it came time to convert the last person in Asia. The person was a Christian by the name of Joe. He had moved there about the time that Lord Simian and Lord Christiman left. He had also made up his mind not to be converted to what he considered "Jakeism crap". He would be the final boss in the game of conversion.

Lords Simian and Christiman approached him. "Hello. I am Lord Christiman and this is -" Lord Christiman was cut off by Joe. "I don't want any of this. I will not join your religion." Simian and Christiman asked him if he was sure. They tried everything to convert him. But Joe wouldn't give up. Eventually Joe tired of their pestering. He pulled a flaming chainsaw on them. Christiman in particular didn't like that. Suffice to say, the two rek'd him.

19 years later, the world was entirely converted. Simian and Christiman were immortal, so they didn't age. The two returned to Lord Jake. "You have succeeded. I thank you. Here is your reward," Jake said as he handed them magic scrolls. He explained that they would grant the two any power they wished, as long as he approved of it. Christiman chose to have the power to control other's decisions. The less wise Simian chose controlling water. And so began the final chronicle.

 

THE FINAL CHRONICLE

Christiman and Simian had become revered beings among the people among Earth. All other religions had been forgotten. Jakeism was at its peak. And then the Jevil came. The Jevil was the ruler of the Underworld. It was where really bad people went upon death. They were tortured there for eternity. However, the Jevil wanted more. He wanted to be the god of Jakeism. So he gathered up his lost souls and invaded the overworld. Through the battle, Simian's water powers proved quite useful, as they could annihilate lots of undead at once. Christiman's power was less useful, but he was trained in Ninja Arts, so he did fine.

The battled raged on for years, but eventually it ended. The Jevil was sealed in the underworld, and peace continued. The year is now 2016. And Jakeism reigns supreme.

 

SHORT STORIES OF JAKEISM

One day, Lord Christiman stumbled upon a boy. The boy told him that his parents had disowned him. Lord Christiman didn't think this was right, so he confronted the boys parents. They said that he had yelled at them. This seemed like a stupid reason to disown someone. So he used his power over decisions to get them to reown the boy. The Moral of the story? Christiman is a badass.

One day, a man found another man huddling in a small hut. The first man was called Christiman. He asked the other man what was going on. The man in the hut told him that he was a god who did not have a following. After being explained the rules, Christiman decided to join and spread this religion. He built shrines, and converted other humans. One day, the god, Lord Jake, summoned him to his main temple. "Young man, you have done lots for me," Jake said. Christiman was humbled, but he wanted to know why Lord Jake said that only now, after all the hard work was long over. Lord Jake said that he had come to a decision. Jake would appoint Christiman as essentially a god on Earth. Christiman accepted. The moral? Spread homeless people's religion.

One day, a man by the name of Simian received a request. He was to come see Lord Jake at his main temple immediately. Upon arriving, he was told that Lord Jake wanted to appoint him Low Priest, for a mission to reconvert the world to Jakeism. Simian had always admired Lord Christiman, so he accepted without hesitation. When Christiman and Lord Jake walked into the room, Simian almost cried with joy. The moral? Sometimes origin stories aren't as long as they should be.

 

THE TEN JAKEMANDMENTS

1. The Jible is the only book that speaks the truth about Jakeism. All other books regarding the subject may not be considered as "true".

2. Lord Jake is the only true god.

3. You must pray to Lord Jake every night.

4. Obey those of higher rank. Students must obey Adults, who must obey Masters, who must obey Priests, who must obey Lord Jake and the High and Low Priests. 

5. Treat others like they're fragile glass. That way you'll treat them with kindness and respect. Otherwise they'll shatter and stab you.

6. Don't be an idiot.

7. Follow the rules.

8. Healthy food is terrible, don't eat it.

9. Don't doubt the Jible.

10. Don't honor the Jevil

 

HOW THE JAKEMANDMENTS WERE CREATED

After the Jevil crisis ended, the world slowly fell into chaos. Lord Jake felt it was time to introduce some rules. So he called Lord Simian to his temple, and asked him to help him come up with a few rules. Jake was able to come up with 5, and Lord Simian created the other 5. After many minutes of editing, the rules were released to the world. After a few hours, people slowly started to clean up their act. Another crisis avoided because of Lord Jake! 

 

 

G.O.A.L.S. of Jakeism:

G - Lord Jake

O - America

A - Jake Heaven and the Underworld

L - See the 4 Noble Truths of Jakeism

S - Lords Christiman and Simian, and Divahd

 

 THE NEW PRIEST

Many years after Jakeism fell into obscurity, a new follower arose to bring it back into the spotlight. His name was Divahd, and as thanks, Lord Jake promoted him to High Priest. High Priest Divahd was a replacement for Lord Simian, who had long since strayed from the path of Jakeism. As for Lord Christiman, he had disappeared long ago, and it was unkown even to Lord Jake if he still followed Jakeism. Lord Divahd cleaned up his predecessors messes and more than made up for the both of them. Jakeism entered a new era: The Era of Divahd.

 

THE RETURN OF SIMIAN

Not long after Lord Divahd revitalized Jakeism, a familiar face wandered into the Great Hall of Lord Jake. It was Lord Simian, seeking forgiveness and guidance from Lord Jake. Jake was in a good mood, so he welcomed Lord Simian back into Jakeism. However, Lord Jake did not forget Simian's betrayal, and as punishment, he demoted him to Low Priest. By this point, Lord Christiman had all but been forgotten. And so the Era of Divahd continued, and an extraordinary time of peace was experienced.

 

A NEW FOE

And then, just like that, the peace was over. Storms raged all over, strange deaths started occurring, and then he arrived. He was even more powerful than Joe and the Jevil combined. His name was Saddison, and he was known as the Bringer of Darkness. He came from the darkest depths of the Underworld, where he had been sealed many years before. Saddison was strong, but he couldn't have broken out on his own. He had an accomplice, someone even more powerful than he. These thoughts and more ran through Simian's head as he looked out over the carnage. It was go time. Lord Divahd and he swooped down onto Earth and started combating the many creatures Saddison had let out. The strongest among them were the Screechers, ancient beings who killed simply by talking at an unbearably high volume and pitch. Simian and Divahd were unaffected by this. They carved their way through the hordes and came face to face with Saddison. He smiled. The battle between the three raged on for hours. Eventually, Saddison was defeated and killed forever by Lord Jake's smiting. However, the accomplice was still out there, and it would be some time before they showed themselves.

 

DIVAHD'S QUEST

As the search for The Accomplice continued, Divahd had issues of his own. His friends had gone missing, with the only clue being a note from a man called Mr. Band. He travelled from town to town asking about Mr. Band, but received nothing of use. Eventually he came across a person who knew of Mr. Band. The person told him that Mr. Band ran a band of musicians and had been on a recruitment drive as of late. His friends were likely on tour with Mr. Band. Divahd trusted what he heard, and when his friends returned with tales of fame in the band, he realized he had gotten worked up over nothing. Or so he thought...

 

THE ACCOMPLICE

One day, the sky darkened. There was no storm, no catastrophe. Everything simply got... eerier. A dark mood was cast over the Great Temple. Lord Jake himself decided to investigate. He searched and searched and eventually got word of what happened. The Accomplice was coming. So the windows and walls were fortified and soldiers were enlisted to guard the temple until the final showdown happened. A few hours later, the door blew open and a man walked through with the dead body of a soldier in his hand. "I am Mr. Band. Although you refer to me as The Accomplice," he stated. This angered Divahd. He lept towards the man and the showdown started. Fists clashed, energy was exchanged. In the end, Mr. Band was on the ground. Divahd asked why he released Saddison. "It's simple. I need to prepare as much chaos as possible for His return. And now, he's here, and he's even more powerful than last time." Mr. Band explained as he crumbled away. Divahd and Lord Jake wondered who he meant. Suddenly, the whole world was rocked with the force of a large explosion, the type that originates from the Underworld. The Jevil was back, and this time it was personal.

 

PREPARATION

There was little time to prepare. Lord Jake looked Divahd in the eye and granted him the power he most wished for: Super-Sonic Speed. They grabbed their weapons and set out for the epicenter of the explosion. Being a god and a High Priest, it did not take long to get there. However, when they arrived, they found that it was warded against High Priests. Divahd vanished in a flash of light. When his vision cleared, Lord Jake found The Jevil standing across the crater. He no longer took the form of a large beast. He wore the skin of a dead human, one Lord Jake recognized. It was Joe. The Jevil smiled and expressed his distaste for the last time he and the Priests met. "That's why I had to ward this place against him," The Jevil explained with a smile, "Oh, and where's your other friend? The one with the mind-control. I could use his powers..." Lord Jake grew angry and started to glow. The Jevil was getting quite uncomfortable and wasn't at full strength yet, so he said his goodbyes and vanished before Lord Jake could smite him. The war was on.

 

RESEARCH

The Jevil needed to be killed forever, not sealed in The Underworld. It was getting increasingly easy to escape from there. Lord Jake knew of only one thing that could kill him: The Smiter. It granted it's user the power to smite anything, no matter how unkillable it was. However, it had been lost long ago. So Lord Jake sent Lord Simian out on a quest to retrieve it while he and Lord Divahd worked on finding the Jevil. They looked at reports of strange happenings: people disappearing, strange omens, stuff like that. There was nothing. It seemed the Jevil was quiet. Meanwhile, Simian located The Smiter after talking to various religious people. It was in a cave far away. It was so far away, it wasn't even on the Earth. It was on the far side of the moon, taken there after it's previous owner realized what a terrible mistake it was to create it. So Simian donned some space gear and travelled to the cave. Inside was a man named Jahcohb. Jahcohb had been a devout follower of Jakeism many centuries ago, but started to realize just how dangerous Lord Jake truly was. So he created a weapon capable of smiting gods; The Smiter. He used it in many Holy Wars, but realized that in the wrong hands, it was too dangerous. So he brought it to the moon and hid in solitude, guarding it. But he yearned to go back to Earth, so when Lord Jake's right-hand man's right-hand man showed up asking for it, he gave it away and left. Simian returned home with The Smiter. Lord Jake and Lord Divahd had located The Jevil. It was time to go to war.

 

BATTLE AND LOSS

The two parties met at a crossroads near Los Angeles. On one side was Lord Jake with the Smiter, along with Lord Divahd and Lord Simian. On the other was The Jevil. It was time for the battle to start. While Lord Jake charged up the Smiter, Divahd and Simian charged at The Jevil, using their powers to hold him at bay. The battle lasted an hour. Just as Jake readied the Smiter, the Jevil lashed out at him. Lord Simian, who was closest, jumped in front of him to save him. The Jevil's dark energy cut into Simian, sucking the life from him. Lord Divahd and Lord Jake turned to look at the Jevil with fierce stares. Lord Jake pointed the Smiter and fired. The Jevil was gone, this time for good. But he had taken Lord Simian with him.

AFTERMATH

After the loss of Lord Simian, Lord Jake sunk into despair. He disappeared into his temple. It would be a long time before he would emerge. As the legends say, now Lord Jake only emerges when the world is in great danger. As for Lord Divahd, he travels the globe recruiting new followers. Master Jahcohb lives alone on a mountain, helping out travelers in seek of power. The world sleeps, waiting for the next threat. And so far, it's been quiet.

Thanks for reading come again or don't its really up to you.Also don't be dumb 😄